Archive for May, 2011

Last Thursday there was a story being aired on 680 News that Rob Ford was going to get rid of the Bike Lanes on Jarvis.  The 680News went out of it’s way to find and interview motorists and cyclists who were against the bike lanes.  Later on Ford’s office claimed it was all rumours and innuendo, yadda, yadda, yadda.

We are now expecting Ford’s grand new cycling plan for the city with $50 million for new off road trails for bikes and $5 million for cycling road lanes,… ya, I’ll let you do the math,…

Anyhoo,  when I heard the news, rumour, innuendo from our Corpulent Overlard, Jabba the Ford, I wrote him a letter asking how many phone calls constitutes a “Flood” , Here’s my letter/email;

I heard on the news (680 News) that Mr. Ford’s Mayoral Office has been “Flooded”  with complaints about the bike lanes on Jarvis Street in Toronto.  As a result of this “Flood” it has been reported that Mr. Ford is thinking of eliminating the these bike lanes.  This is a very serious issue and I would appreciate it if Mr. Ford’s Office provided some documentary evidence of these phone calls, the actual number, what percentage of the people complaining are actually Toronto Tax Payers.

I thank you in advance for the speedy reply.

Philip XXX Zorpheous

Now remember, this was before Ford’s Office released “it was all rumours, and innuendos”.  I thought this might be an interesting exercise in seeing how quick Lard Tubby got back to me,…  Well tickle me pink and slap my mother, I got a very quick response Rob Ford,… Ok his office,… ok automated RoboMail,… not very impressive after all,… An OOO Reply in Outlook can handle this,… I guess we should thank one of Ford’s lackeys for taking the time to set it up.  Anyways, here is the Timely, RoboMail Response from our Corpulent Overlard’s MS Exchange Server (I highlighted the double plus goodie parts)

From:	Mayor Ford <Mayor_Ford@toronto.ca>
To:	XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

---

Thank you for your email.

As I promised during the mayoralty election, I am dedicated to delivering customer service excellence, creating a transparent and accountable government‡, reducing the size and cost of government and building a transportation cityΘ.

I will continue to work on behalf of the taxpayers to make sure you get the respect you deserve.

This note is to confirm that we have received your email and that we are looking into your matter.

Please feel free to follow up to check the status of your email.†

Thanks again and have a great day.

Yours truly,

Mayor Rob Ford

City of Toronto

We’re all in this together.

Θ ~ Build the Transportation City.  Ah, one of Ford’s greatest “say everything and do nothing” election slogans.  Ok, so Ford wants people to get around quickly and efficiently, that just great.  On days when I drive my car, I spend more time in traffic jams than I can ever remember.  The drive from my place on Davenport to my main clients place take 30 minutes during rush hour.  On my bike 16 to 18 minutes, and I don’t need to pay for fuel or parking.  You do the math,…  Oh and by the the, the Cars actually slow me down, not the other way around.

‡ ~ Transparent and Accountable Government,  Ok, I have zero doubt in my mind that the original news was leaked from Ford’s Office, after all, where would have rumours of “A Flood of Complaints” come from.  So why the false story and then the old denial bs?  Simple Ford wants to be seen as the type of mayor who isn’t going to do anything rash and seen as the guy who has a plan.  $50 million for bike trails and $5 million for cycling road lanes,… so where are these “Off road bike trails” suppose to go in downtown Toronto?  Is Ford going to dig a subterranean network of interconnected biking tunnels that crisscross the GTA?  Will there be elevate bike trails running up Yonge Street and Jarvis?  Maybe Jabba the Ford is thinking of Helium Suspended, Lighter Than Air, Cycling Superstructures,…

Can’t wait to cycle the lighter than air fantango.

† ~ Please feel free to follow up to check the status of your email. Gee isn’t he just great, I am free to check my own email to see if one of his Lackey’s has followed up (automated RoboMail doesn’t count for shyte).  So I guess all this “I am dedicated to delivering customer service excellence” is just noise.  After all, real customer service usually means a time line for completion, a realistic measure of real response time.  So I wonder what a reasonable response time for Jabba the Ford’s Office should be?  I think ten business day is an appropriate amount of time to expect a real and proper response.  Now not expecting Ford to email me his cycling infrastructure plans for my approval, just proper response to my questions.

The clock is ticking,…

It has been days since we had an descent weather, and I was not about to waste an evening like last night.  I had just picked up my repaired iPod from the Apple Store (note to self, do not machine wash the iPod again), and got my limited music collection restored to it.  So I grabbed my little Sony P7, iPod, lights, netbook, rocketstick and all the gear required when you are 24/7 IT guy and hit the road,…

Toronto is an amazing city, with hidden oasis’s of maximum zen,…  Personally I just ride, with a general idea of where I want to go,… but rarely ever get there (or at least that is my track record so far).  I ended up in the Outer Harbour last night as dusk was hitting the city when I finally ran out of road, path and finally land.  At Lands End I found a curiosity, it seems someone went for sail and ran out of water,…

Ponderous man,… Truly ponderous,….

Last night was new personal best for me, covered 46.5 km in 2 hours and 19 minutes with an average sustained speed of 20.0 kph.  No too bad considering my shape

Cause there is no one else whom we can blame for this.  This is all Harper doing, his plan, his actions and his words.

Jebus Fraking Cripsy,… wasn’t Raging PMS all for an elected Senate and at the bear minimum appointing people who had passed some sort of electoral process when possible. So I guess when he appointed, not one, not two, BUT THREE un-elected, electorally rejected people to the Senate he was just taking a giant dump on Canada and saying FRAK-YOU to the people who voted for him.

After all no one will remember come next election.  Harper’s base, aka the Blogging Whories don’t give a shit either, just as long as it has a convervative  sticker on it, they’ll eat it, even if they know it came out of Harper’s arse, they’ll just call it ice-cream and scream for more.

The Daily Zorpheous

Meet our Minister of Foreign Affairs

Reading the CPC. NDP, Greens and yes, even other Liberals blogs, it can be said that everyone want a piece of the liberal corpse.  Then I remembered this old cartoon, it was basically Titled;

When You’re Down and Out Everyone Wants a Piece of Your Ass

On Facebook  Post rapture looting is place to call first dibs on the good stuff.  Me, I’m calling First Dibs on Castle Loma in Toronto and the Island of Cozumel, but hey, I’ll let people come and visit for free

So the Christian Fundie-Retards have been embolden by the Rightwing Majority Rapture of orgasmic goodness know as Raging PMS and the SeePeeSee.  They want everyone to know that  abortion is wrong, that every egg is special, that every sperm is sacred.   They also figure that good old PMS will now allow they to create a law (which will violate the Charter of Rights, but who gives a frak about that!) that will ban abortion and return women to their rightful place, at home on the kitchen, pump’in out kids.

Personally I blame Harper for this.

Thoses who know me, or at least my writing (the poor quality, terrible speeling , double plus bad gammer and my absolute pride in being so crappy), will want to put their coffees down, swallow any food you’re eating,… Ok?

I try to check my spam folder on The Wingnuterer daily, to make sure no valid comments have been spammified or in case there is quality SPAM.  I usually get the penis enlargement, and back link spam-whores; but this one was really good

Writers Wanted

We need internet writers desperately. After reviewing your website, we decided we want you on our staff. We pay $35-$50 hourly. Our top rated writers are pulling in over $91K a YEAR, writing part-time.

They WANT ME?  Zorpheous? I guess this is about as serious as the brick-string penis enlarge device that other spammer was trying to prompt, eh?  Hey do think any of the Blogging Tories are working this place?  It would explain the quality of crap that they pump out,…

Ok, look guys, I have certain standards to maintain here, admittedly they are low, but working for comment base spamming company the cons people into writing for them with promise of big money actually falls below those standards.

Now, please frak off and go stick your head in a pig.

Now it’s just a question, not a statement of fact.  Our corpulent Overlard Overlord seems to be running into some trouble with our Provincial Municipal  Election Laws in the Toronto Election.   A full audit was order by the three member panel on friday to see if he broke any election laws.   The Toronto Star has the full story here - Audit ordered into Mayor Ford’s campaign financing.

Now here are some of the funniest quotes from Ford’s Lawyer, Tom Barlow

There’s nothing in our view that merits any concern on the part of any elector in terms of how the finances were arranged - Tom Barlow

Shorter Tom Barlow - Your Honour,my client is completely Innocent!  So there is no need for you to look into this, none at all.  That is why he doesn’t want anyone looking into his campaign finances.  There is nothing to see, so you don’t need to look and we expect you to throw this case out,…

I certainly know that Rob Ford has nothing to hide and he’ll ultimately co-operate, and has been cooperating, with whatever process is appropriate under the Municipal Elections Act. - Tom Barlow

Short Tom Barlow - Well if you insist on looking You Honour, my client has nothing to hide, and he will cooperate fully.  After all he has nothing to hide and only guilty people need lawyers,… errr what was the question again?

It looks like it’s just a throughput of cash - Tom Barlow argued

Shorter Tom Barlow - Doug Ford Holdings was just a supplier to the campaign, and the interest free, 365 day terms account is absolutely standard fair.

“A throughput of cash”, is this like an In and Out?   These conservatards seem really keen on these fancy foot work, soft shoe shuffle of election financing, eh?

Now what could Jabba the Ford receive if found guilty of breaking the Provincial Municipal Elections Act by some Liberal appointed judge, with a political leftwing adgenda to push?  Well Jabba the Ford could  be fined, which I’m sure Doug Ford Holdings could then find a way to expense that, or Jabba the Ford could be the first Mayor of Toronto’s history to Kicked Out of Office for Election Campaign Finance Corruption.

Lets keep a happy thought in our heads, m’kay?

So good old Tony Clement, our Industry Ministry, is going to invite the Oily Bigwigs to Ottawa to explain to Canadians why oil/gas prices go up and go down,… but more up than down.  I hear they will serve tea and crumpets.

Now no where does it say Tony is going to stop the Oily Bigwigs from fraking us up the arse, no, no, no,… This will be a lecture to us poor stupid Canadians as to why big oil is a poor victim of the free market and they are unable to stop making such huge profits.

To put it simply, Oily Bigwigs will come to Ottawa to lie to the liars in power, who will then turn to us and lie that there is nothing they can do.  So please just bend over and take it up the arse and stop complaining,…

To close the meeting, the Big Oily Bigwigs will further explain why their highly profitable business needs Canadian Tax payers to give them free money and that lowering their Corporate Tax Rate is really in our best interests.  Oh and the pipeline spill the other week,… think nothing of it,… no really, stop thinking about it.

Personally I Blame Harper For This