The Wingnuterer

In a surprise sweeping denial, Stephen Harper, the Prime Minister of Canada, has denied having a threesome with his wife, Laureen, and golf superstar Tiger Woods.

“I want to be very clear here: My wife and I did not have sexual relations with Tiger Woods.”

The unexpected announcement came during a short break in Harper’s China tour. Framed by a stretch of the Great Wall of China, Harper uttered the statement while under a slew of questions concerning the alleged torturing of Afghans after being turned over to Afghan authorities by Canadian troops.

When asked to explain the reason for his sudden statement, Harper qualified himself.

“I want to make it very clear that if we had, there would be no man-on-man action. If there had been, though, I would be on top.”

No one had asked Harper about Woods, or had made any allegations concerning the Prime Minister’s private life.

When asked why he was discussing unstated allegations about his private life during questions concerning allegations of Afghans being tortured, Harper warned the press not to make “…unsubstantiated claims connecting Tiger Woods with the Taliban.”

“Let me be clear: There is no evidence that Tiger Woods slept with bin Laden, or any Taliban for that matter, though one can never be completely sure.”

Harper then laughed “You can’t be sure because that stud certainly seems to have been getting a lot of holes in one of late.”

He then became serious and said that he would look into such concerns.

“Look, I know you think he’s a terrorist because his deviant behaviour is demoralizing to us all, especially our troops, being such sports fans and all, but we can’t be sure until an investigation is complete.”

“Read my lips: I do not believe that Tiger Woods is a Taliban sleeper agent who has been activated with a mission to demoralize our sociey and to illustrate it as decadent.”

When pressed for clarification, the Prime Minister became visibly angry. “I alone support our troops, and this behaviour of yours is demoralizing them.”

“I promise the Canadian people: We will get to the bottom of this Woods-Taliban connection.”

He then left the podium.

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